Title:
Learning to
trust after infidelity
Author:
Arlene Criswell M.H.R., LPC
Infidelity, in a recent research study, was cited as the major
contributing cause in about twenty-five percent of divorces. In my
twenty-five years as a counselor I have observed that people who learn
their spouse has been unfaithful experience many symptoms of Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder. The shock and betrayal experienced by the hurt
partner usually results in both physical and emotional symptoms such as
significant sleep disturbances (insomnia, persistent nightmares) fear,
helplessness, poor concentration, irritability, intrusive or distressing
thoughts or images associated with the infidelity trauma, and exaggerated
startle response. Infidelity is a form of trauma that impacts the wounded
spouse in almost every area---physical, emotional, and spiritual. With
recent statistics indicating a national divorce rate of about sixty-seven
percent (John Gottman, Ph.D., 1999), it is imperative that we look
seriously at what it takes to help a marriage survive infidelity.
Forgiveness and Trust
A misunderstanding about the relationship between trust and
forgiveness often presents a major impediment to healing. When people
fall in love, they easily give trust as a part of the building of the
relationship. With no evidence that their beloved is not trustworthy,
each assumes an attitude of trust toward the other. This trust
contributes to the closeness the couple experiences. The sense of trust
and safety is enhanced and solidified in the exchange of wedding vows to
be faithful to this one partner "so long as (they) both shall live",
allowing them to fully invest themselves in the marriage and in their
spouse.
When the trust that was so easily given is shattered by one partner’s
infidelity (infidelity being defined as the sharing of sexual or
non-sexual behavior with an extramarital partner, with secrecy that
violates the explicit or implicit expectations of the relationship."
Jongsma, O’Leary, and Heymon, 1998), a much more difficult process of
rebuilding trust must begin.
Frequently, the unfaithful partner seems offended by the length of
time the hurt partner needs to be able to trust again and by the effort
required to regain trust. Often, the offending spouse will interpret the
hurt spouse’s inability to quickly regain trust as an indication of
unforgiveness. " I have said repeatedly that I am sorry---I have promised
it will never happen again---what more can I do? S/he just won’t forgive
me and move on." is a common complaint.
Most often, the hurt partner has made a quality decision to forgive.
But forgiveness does not automatically restore trust. Forgiveness opens
the door to regaining trust, in the beginning of the relationship, once
shattered, can be regained only through considerable work on the part of
both spouses.
"What More Can I Do?"
Healing the pain and disillusionment of unfaithfulness requires work
and sacrifice by both spouses. Both spouses must agree on what will be
the appropriate emotional and social boundaries for the future, and must
commit to maintaining these boundaries with all persons of the opposite
sex except the spouse. Partners must be able to discuss and address
potential threats to their relationship, as well as the vulnerabilities
in the relationship that contributed to the infidelity. It is best to do
this with a pastor or experienced marriage counselor, as both spouses
feel very vulnerable after infidelity, and people often have vastly
differing perspectives of what is fair and reasonable.
Hurt partners often want a great deal of information and detail about
the affair and the extramarital partner. While many hurt partners in
healing marriages later state regret about having demanded so much detail
(s/he has to live with this knowledge for the rest of his/her life), it
is important that their requests for information be honored completely
and honestly.
The unfaithful partner must demonstrate willingness to allow the hurt
partner to objectively test and verify his/her current and future
behavior in order to establish a sense of security on which to rebuild
trust. This may include the hurt partner verifying the unfaithful
partner’s whereabouts at any given time, having complete access to all
financial records (including the monthly statements from cell phone
bills, individually held and joint credit card statements, individual and
joint bank accounts, investments,
retirement funds, and assets). Such fact checking is a necessary part
of regaining trust and it is important that the offending spouse not
attempt to dissuade the hurt partner from checking up on him or her. (Jongsma,
O’Leary and Heyman, 1998) While this degree of fact checking may seem
unnecessary or intrusive to the unfaithful partner, the fact is that if
there are no secrets, there is no need for secrecy. The unfaithful spouse
has created fear in his/her partner. Encouraging the hurt spouse to do
whatever checking and validating s/he needs to do to feel safe in the
relationship is evidence of taking responsibility for the infidelity and
ministering to the needs of the hurt spouse so that reconciliation can
mend the wounded family.
Healing the effects of infidelity is an enormous task, but the fruits
of the couple’s efforts will reward them. The process outlined in this
article is actually a skeletal look at a larger process which includes
each partner learning to demonstrate empathy, learning to help meet the
other’s emotional needs, and taking small steps of faith which ultimately
will restore their sense of unity. God bless you as you work on your
marital issues and reconciliation |
